The Older you get the younger they get...

I just have some random thoughts concerning getting older and how that changes your thinking about friends, relationships, and family.

First of all, I think being a man affects how you deal with friendships and the boundaries you put between yourself and others. What I mean is, when I was younger I was much more willing to make new friends all over the place. I loved meeting new people, the crazier the better. I was also more willing to mix the line between friendship and relationships with my women friends. I was much more flirtatious and would have jumped into a relationship with them if there had been a possibility. Now, however, I find that I like to draw those lines much more carefully. A friend is a friend, a relationship is a relationship. Flirting is against this natural law. This may also have to with the fact that many women our age or either married, in serious relationships, or frakking crazy from being soooo single. That kind of puts a damper on things.

It is also amazing that I have only ONE close friend that is going to get married- he's not even married YET! I mean, I have other friends who are married, but for a factor of losing contact or really, maybe BECAUSE they are married, I don't really see them that much anymore. It's like there's this big divide between married/single people and never the twain shall meet. It's weird. And this friend who's getting married doesn't even live close, so it's like I'll be hanging with him either. Anyway, it's gets a man thinking, "when is it my turn? Do I really want a turn?"

Lastly, your relationship changes with your family as well. You find that expectations have changed about how you contribute to the "family legacy" whatever that means. Your parents are getting older and expecting certain steps. If you are the first child there is some unspoken feeling that you should be leading the siblings in the whole successful career, marriage, child-rearing gig. If you are a younger sibling it's "why aren't you more like you're older sibling?" Now, that's not to say my parents are like that, they're not, but it's a general feeling in our society as well. Follow the family legacy. Make a name, create some names, be there. Or maybe that's all in our heads (or just mine).

Anyway, those are just some random thoughts on this fine March day. Goodbye.

What Makes Men Fall in Love?

I read an article this morning on Yahoo on what makes men fall in love, noting half of all men do not believe they are currently not with their sole mates and 60% believe that friendship is most important (with sex at 8%).

The four main points got me thinking. Men (according the article) are attracted to women who have a passion in something other than him, who have no problem with guy time, who has a strut, and can help guide and mother us at times.

The passion and strut ("Men want to be with women who challenge them, who push them, and who take the lead some of the times.") I think are true. And reminded me of our earlier conversation on passion versus comfort.

A view of love.

Litany

You are the bread and the knife,
The crystal goblet and the wine...
-Jacques Crickillon

You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.

You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and--somehow--the wine.

-Billy Collins (U.S. Poet Laureate 2001 to 2003)

Comfort over Challenge

So I wonder about this issue of comfort over challenge, or vice versa. In the search for a life companion (or whatever you want to call it- that's a whole other discussion), are we looking for someone who challenges us or offers us the ultimate in comfort?

Recently, someone said to me, "Your generation is so picky about people, you really should be looking for someone that reminds you of how you feel when you are sitting around the house in your dirtiest clothes just being totally comfortable and at ease, in your comfort zone." That made sense I thought. Someone that made you feel, to quote a movie I can't recall the name of right now, "like home." I like that idea. That nostalgic and always untouchable aspect of home that makes you feel like the outside world with all its pressures and expectations and chaos is really shut out when you are at home. For myself, as a kid, home was the place I could truly escape into my own fantasy worlds in my mind without fear of someone breaking into them. I could get lost in the woods behind my house playing "Elf ranger."

However, those pressures and expectations truly test us as people. When we are always in the comfort zone we don't challenge ourselves. And if we don't challenge ourselves we are not going to progress as an individual or as people in general. I mean, as humans we are creatures of habit, and given the opportunity we could easily chose the easy path of habit and ritual, with no challenge to our beliefs or cultural boundaries. This is just an esoteric way of saying without challenge we will not learn anything new.

So this all leads me back to choosing the life partner (if you will). Do you choose the person who makes you comfortable, or the person who will challenge you as a person? And is it possible to choose someone who could do both- meaning, are they opposing forces or can they work in tandem? I don't know. I've had opportunities for both types of relationships and it always seems it is one or the other and rarely both. Only one example comes to mind, and in that case it was like a seesaw between the two, and also quite a rocky relationship as well.

At this point, comfort seems a little boring in some ways. I've challenged myself by going out in the world, learning a new language, seeing the different ways humanity lives, and felt like I progressed as a person. If I chose the path of comfort in those cases I wouldn't be the person who I am now. I might not be working at my career, or I would definitely think and relate a little differently to my students and colleagues. If I had a mate that challenged me then it's that idea of becoming a better person, of improving myself. Here's another vague movie quote- "you make me feel like being the best person I can be around you," or something like that. There is something amazing about that. I mean, FDR wouldn't be FDR if he hadn't had Eleanor there to challenge him. Maybe there really is some sense to that quote, "behind every great man (in history- let's be fair here) is an even greater woman."

On the other hand, to be able to challenge ourselves, maybe we need a place to call home. And home, which a vague concept at best, can come to mean the place we create with the people we love best- in this case our soulmate. Or maybe that's taking it too far. At least this person, with or without the soul part, is a comfort and will take us as we are, without criticism or trying to change who we are. They are someone you want to curl up on the couch with and watch a good movie (and accurately remember the quotes).

So, where do you fall on this issue? It's a quandary.

Time has gotten by on alibis and wine...

Welcome to our conversation. It's about two buddies finding their way (sometimes) as they meander through their thirties. We'll be honest, frank, thoughtful, and sometimes irreverent. Mostly we'll just think out loud about life in the passing and arriving years. Frank Sinatra thought about it long ago with "It was a Very Good Year":

When I was seventeen
It was a very good year
It was a very good year for small town girls
And soft summer nights
Wed hide from the lights
On the village green
When I was seventeen

When I was twenty-one
It was a very good year
It was a very good year for city girls
Who lived up the stair
With all that perfumed hair
And it came undone
When I was twenty-one

When I was thirty-five
It was a very good year
It was a very good year for blue-blooded girls
Of independent means
Wed ride in limousines
Their chauffeurs would drive
When I was thirty-five

But now the days grow short
I'm in the autumn of the year
And now I think of my life as vintage wine
from fine old kegs
from the brim to the dregs
And it poured sweet and clear
It was a very good year

It was a mess of good years

I heard it from a friend- the revolution never happened. We'll see you down the road.